October 20, 2007
I am alone
Guess it will be me, I and myself.
I had been very lonely. I can’t even remember how
to give a genuine-good laugh with anything funny. I am not so sure if
having this blanket is a good idea … well whatever it felt right
anyway. Work is extremely boring. Assisting client on how to open his own
office computer is not that very rewarding. Most of the time providing
support to some New Yorkers’ assholes and bitches in which their issue
were just, they were unable to locate missing word document that they just had
save few minutes ago is very irritating. Hearing some racial slur not only on
TV even during my work is very aggravating. I know there is more to come. Damn,
I can’t wait.
I’ve been studying programming lately, little by
little slowly picking up. I have some hard time dividing myself
though. I wish I can bilocate myself to fasten up my learning. I
wish I would be able to find my niche and be able to get a good paying
job. I am not getting any younger now. I need to do it myself since
nobody will be able to help me. I need to stand alone and fight my own
battle for I am alone and it is a mature thing to do.
I just got cool news from one of my girl friend who happens
to be a member of a band. She mentioned that my poem that I wrote, I
guess I was 17 or 18 years old back then is now a track. I had heard it
on imeem and I can say that hearing your own words being sung by an artist is
great. It feels like somebody accepted you and recognized you not only
with what you can do but who are you as a person.
I guess I need to file a vacation leave and travel
somewhere. Get lose. Hopefully I and my boo will be able to do
that. I can’t wait to kiss him in the wilderness. Whew! Creepy I
know but it sounds sexy. *laughs*
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: boredome, guilt, life, personal demons, work
So after being slow and screwed for an entire two weeks and having alphabetized all of my clothes and suffered from chronic psychosis and after counting the leaves on our roof and so on I haven’t been able to write something and yet still I started acting like a real adult which is a must in my age. I tend to forget that I am not living in my own reality I am living in the reality of the world so I should act like I am one of “them”. As I am walking on my way work and amble down to the street of New York, oppss I mean Ayala, I have notice that it is a requirement to own a phone camera or else you’ll be kick out from the curve and people will give you a questioning face if they happen to find out that you don’t have phone camera or at least colored phone. Everybody is hurling their cell phones up to my face and as if proving me a sign of success. Sadly, this is the world I live in and I need to adopt, for me to be able cope up. I need to think like them. I was wondering perhaps being a chameleon is much easier since all you have to do is to change color then viola! You’ll be one of them. I know for sure that there is a need for me to set myself to the tedious task of sorting through hundreds of list of technical issues and complains and I need to read more journals for me not to left behind. I need to open my ears with what’s going on and stop being an autistic that bangs head on the walls.
Mind Fuck.
Voice: “You need to think straight Selma. Do a cost base analysis; weigh things out and choose what is important and throw away those insignificant one. Focus; clean up that blurry mind and ask those brain cells to do their job.”
I don’t know why I have to write a journal about what’s going on in my life. I don’t know why I have to archive my own life to live. I don’t know what I have to tell the world those embarrassing events happened to my life even I know for sure no one is reading it. But it felt right and through this at least I manage to release those so called personal demons, whereas I thought I vanquished it but it keeps on haunting me still. I know I need to save all of my thoughts because I tend to forget almost everything. Everything merely stays on my short term memory. After sleeping I’ll forget all the things I have done or the things that was happened.
I still have this “catholic guilt” in me, what have you done? Why did you choose that instead of the other one? I can’t fight “it”. It is like drug that consume you but will make you elated. I feel the pain on my legs but I’m still craving for it. Two bickering voices … Another pimple pops out on my face.
My eyes are getting redder and redder everyday. I need to sleep and need not to think of anything for this weekend. Mum and Poppa visited me in out apartment and kind of miss the day that we use to be together. They look older now and health wise they need to go to the doctor almost everyday in order to check their blood pressure and sugar level. It is making my heart sank. I miss my parents so much that I want to give them everything they need. I want them to be happy and relax. They are still worrying about the future where as they should not. I don’t know what I should do next.
They’ve given me new responsibilities. I’d been attending meeting and they are giving important with what I am doing. They trust me in terms of handling things. I feel nervous and yet excited. I just hope that it will last forever and will grow more and more everyday.
I am thanking God for all the thanks that he is giving to me now—a good start in life; new job; new friends; new responsibilities; new love.
I feel like that I need to go to the doctor but I don’t think I have the luxury of going to a physician. I need to eat fruits and need to take up medicine.
I don’t like what I am currently seeing now on the mirror I look so wasted and sick. This weekend I’ll take a rest.
Weekend was great, managed to watch movies and I enjoyed it. The girls and I went shopping last Friday and after the shift we had a good long walk along Paseo. Everything is doing ok except that I still feel this nothingness on me which haunted me for a very long time now. I wish I’ll be able to fill in the gap between my reality and there reality. I felt insecure I have to admit to some certain things that is happening; I wish I would be able to surpass those negative forces. I need to read more stuffs and learn new things. I tried doing a cost base analysis regarding what is really important with my life. I reckon that I really have to save up in order for me to be able to have something to cling to. It is very important that I manage my finances properly because in the end you can’t trust and depend on somebody. Oh my god, I feel so insecure today. LOL
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anger management, family, personal, thoughts, work
Woke up this afternoon and found out that Turrow’s book had been torn into pieces. As if I am looking in the desolate scene of the movie Malena. Haven’t read the novel yet and it literally pissed me off. I don’t know how long the dog will be staying in the apartment. I had a bad day yesterday and what I’ll do, I’ll focus on what I am be doing. I know that I have to be perfect or else they might kick me out of the curve. I bought noodles for dinner and didn’t enjoy it. I felt like I wasted my money on something I don’t like. Oh well and yes the sudden change of schedule made my toes wreathed. I suppose to be going home tomorrow morning but since I have new schedule I will not be able to go. I miss my mother and father so much. I miss my baby brother as well. I wish that there is an MRT going straight to our province so that I will not going to rent a house here in Manila. Little by little I am learning how to discipline myself in terms of controlling my emotions… oh well .. Goodluck /hehe
Talking Skin 