Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: cristina de guzman, life, myself, personal, personal life
I have no interesting to say, that’s why I am doing this
1. I was born In Manila
2.My parents met in Manila but they are not from Manila
3.I started working part time when I was 18
4. Never pay tuition fees in my undergrad course
5. I hate my school when I was in college
6. I don’t like big crowds
7. Quiet
8. I cook
9. When I was in high school, I forged my teacher signature to complete the school clearance
10. I love food
11. I am curious
12. I screwed up most of my work interviews
13. I own loads of ATM cards zero balance
14. I play the guitar
15. I dreamt of becoming a famous pianist (Cecile Licad wannabe)
16. I nail bite
17. I bore people
18. They bore me as well
19. Disturb
20. I love digital arts
21. I eat a lot
22. I write
23. I sing (my frustration)
24. I lie
25. I love movies
26. Big Tori Amos fan
27. Clumsy
28. Preoccupied
29. I believe Tori is a mystical being
30. I listen to Morissette as well
31. I got loads of violence in my mind
32. I write cheesy poetries
33. I love technology
34. I used to beg God for a set of wings
35. I live alone… No dogs or cats but I have Ishung
36. I lived in weird places
37. I have always felt inferior to everyone
38. I watch black and white movies and shows
39. I am very talkative on the phone but not if you meet me personally
40. I will marry my fiancé in a heartbeat
41. I love watching independent films even if most of them doesn’t have subtitle
42. I do web design
43. I don’t know how to tweeze my eyebrows
44. I fear that my fear is greater than my faith
45. I have the same best friend since high school
46. I wish my legs and arms weren’t hairy
47. I love the afternoon
48. And the afternoon rain
49. I believe that the space is finite
50. I love documentaries
51. Drama Queen
52. I am an islander but I don’t know how to swim
53. My sister nicknamed me, Kiting because she can’t pronounce my real name
54. Until now, she can’t pronounce it (hehehe)
55. I hate country music
56. But I grew up listening to them
57. I love photography
58. And the environment
59. And traveling
60. I hate people who talk very loud using the English language (I mean extremely loud as if they were bragging)
61. I work in a call center and hate it
62. Stubborn
63. I love nature muchly!
64. Not involving myself with any kind of organized religion
65. Believer of God, Jesus and the Bible
66. I don’t smoke and I loathe the smell of it
67. I used to drink occasionally but now I never drink
68. I download movies and music – I am not buying them *evil grin*
69. I wish I could quit cursing, but it’s really hard
70. Loyal person
71. I have 2 nieces and 1 nephew
72. Still dreaming
73. Movies make me cry
74. And music too
75. I mimic Jewel Kilcher voice and mannerism (when she was still cool)
76. I am 27
77. My fiancé is 30
78. I am the youngest in the family
79. I don’t believe in catholic catheticism
80. Apolitical
81. I am not a coffee drinker, but now I am because of my migraine
82. I love the ocean and mountains too
83. I wish I were more organized
84. I wish fall is my favourite season but we don’t have fall in the Philippines
85. I love to read
86. I like to stay home more than anything.
87. I have watched Aguila and Valiente when I was in grade school
88. No. It is not my favourite show, It is just that I don’t have a choice
89. Can’t stand people who walk slow or who stop to talk in the middle of a crowded street
90. Very bad with math
91. Loves walking along the beach at night barefooted
92. I was bullied in grade school
93. Can’t believe that I ask my mother to send me to a foster parent in Australia (I was 13)
94. Because I want to study in New South Wales
95. Hates change
96. I’m 27 and I don’t know how to drive
97. Used to watch Mcgyver, Doggie Howser MD and Beverly Hills 90210
98. I love hot paraffin wax on my body
99. I can say I have two of the greatest parents in the world.
100. When I buy a house, it’s going to have a huge kitchen.
101. Can’t believe you actually read all through of these.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: life, love, love relationship, past, personal
September 25, 2007 4:09 PM
I had written thousand of letters for you. I have had written tons of journals and poems about my life experiences with you.Most of it you never manage to read it and most it I believe you intended not to read it.It’s been 3 years and I never thought that we will be able to talk again. Yes I am happy because at least you open the channel of communication.We cannot hide nor run with something because it will hunt us no matter how much we try to conceal it.What you did is like freeing yourself from yourself – saving yourself from yourself.I am sure all the things that were happened to you good or bad will make you a better person.I can say that I was overwhelmed by all the truths that you had said.I know it will take lots of courage for telling those and accepting the fact that you did something wrong. I enjoy talking to you as if I am talking to you for the very first time and this time no more walls, boundaries, no more stories.Yes, I also feel comfortable talking to you.In someway you know me well.You understand me well.
Everything you had said was right.It will be very hard for both us to have this friendship work because we hurt too many people in the past aside from ourselves.On my end my families and friends, on your end your families especially your mum.Oh well, they’ll not be able to know it anyway, what the heck – *laughs*.I want to make sure that we will be able set up a sturdy foundation for this friendship.We spoke about what was happen to us after the breakups but we never talk about how exactly we feel after that. I want to know not only for the sake of knowing it, but for me to be able to complete the puzzle that I am trying to solve for three years.
I had observed that when we talk there are some unwanted dead airs, but I know back in our mind we want to speak up and share something and want to say something but something’s stopping us from talking.What is that, I still don’t know.I believe in due time we will be able to discover it.
All I want was closure, we haven’t talked about it much yet, but I know sooner the wound that I have will completely healed.I created clouds in a certain part of my memory because I don’t want to remember since it was painful.
For now let’s just enjoy each other’s company and enjoy all the new things that we will be able learn from each other.
I feel like I am a freshman.
Friday December 21 2007
The Firefly Upshot
(Self loathing)
My body is getting weak as well as my brain.I can’t understand why this is happening.I grew tired of listening to people’s disapproval and I don’t want to give any efforts anymore.I don’t want to read.I just want to sleep.For if I sleep there are no denunciations, no pressure, and no pain.I hate this defenselessness.I can feel the life force floating somewhere in which I have some hard time reaching for it.My heart beat faster whenever I hear truths about spirituality.
I have this very bad habit today that whenever I start something I tend to stop doing it and fire inside me to finish certain task or to learn new concept literally dies away.I hate this.I procrastinate a lot.And choose not to do anything to improve myself but ironically I still crave for a better life.I remember three years ago, I was so eager to learn almost everything and I have this perseverance to master it.But then something came up, I developed insecurities and loathed myself too much and I almost killed myself.Yes, it’s crazy.We are all crazy anyway.For now that life force inside me is not there anymore. I hope that I’ll be able to restore it back to its original place so I can move my right hand and be able to do something productive.
I understand that I need to do something about it before it’s too late.For I know we are all temporary arrangements.Even this love relationship that I have with him, I don’t know if this will last for a life time.Of course, I always pray to Him that hopefully this one we have right now will reach to another level of love.As I have always said it is not my faith for this relationship will gauge that, it is really up to him. For I am always been a very loyal someone who waits till forever.Though honestly, I am growing tired of this waiting thing, for I am no longer getting any younger.I am thinking lots of stuff… religion and how to get rich the quickest way. For I know even we got married I have to have my own money because as much as possible I don’t want his families to think I am stealing their money.Since I am pretty sure even I signed a “pre-nup” still their eyes will still on me.Abhorring me…Why do I say so?Because it is always like that, ever since I was a kid people surrounds me thinks that way and that thing will never be change.It is like a curse.Even I don’t do anything.I don’t talk, I don’t go out, and create my own world with out asking any help with anybody, somebody will still hate me, since I am not likeable.I am very ugly.I don’t please people.I am shy and don’t approach anybody.
I have to have my own house, my own savings and my own business.As what he clearly stated he doesn’t want me to depend on him.Because I know for sure if things didn’t go well again, I’ll be left alone again, no love, no skills and no money and most of all no life.I love him so much that is for sure, but I am not sure if he is man enough to defend me against the people surrounds him.
When I was a kid I didn’t give any importance with face value, since during that time I don’t see people as beautiful or ugly, I look at them equally.But then when I grow old and “bigger” (oh well) I notice that face value plays a very important role in our society.If you have a pretty face even how dumb you are, even how lazy you are, even how greedy you are it doesn’t really matters, because you are beautiful and people will try to understand you better, will help you as much as they could.They will choose as a leader since you got the right face and right smile.You rule the world if you are beautiful.
Funny thing going on in life right now is that, I remember when I was a kid my whole family disgraced me because I am ugly and now my boyfriend’s mother doesn’t like me because I am ugly and I am poor.I hate this feeling that I am always damned because of my status in life and the way I look.I hate this disapproval, I had this since birth.I don’t understand.I always ask to myself, do I really deserve this?Is this my punishment? Why?Is it really hard to accept me who I am?I guess it is too much to hope for.So be it.
-end-
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: blog, impression, nothingness, personal, thoughts
3:01 in the morning I can’t sleep. I can feel the pain in my back; don’t have any idea in my mind. Been three months since I plan to create new poetries or at least short anecdotes about how beautiful the afternoon rain was or how stunning the morning was… I started a lot of projects but I can’t finish anything. As if that I am about to fall into a black hole – the closer I get to the center of the hole the gravitational pull gets stronger then I will vanquish into nothingness.
Gone.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: commuter, ex boyfriend, life, love relationship, moving on, people, personal
I was on my way to work this afternoon, I saw this man which on the other side on the window who looks like the egotistical man. The eyes, the beard, the eyelashes, the nose, the lips, and the profile of his face are extremely familiar. I didn’t realize that I am actually staring at him for almost 30 minutes and he felt uncomfortable. I am looking at him from head to toe. He gained weight and he has an immense tummy. He doesn’t usually tuck his shirt in and he doesn’t wear leather shoes, but of course, how do I know it’s been 2 years. Things change. People do as well. He can’t look straight to the eye. I don’t know but when I get off from the bus, I was literally laughing with my ass on. I just prove something that, I don’t feel anything and I wonder how come I fell to that egotistical man. Oh well. I am still laughing …
A new whole home improvement is going on in my life and currently I’m a picking up the pieces of me. It is not much but it is making a big difference in a healthier way. I am trying to feed myself with loads of things and focus on something relevant. No more Ms Antisocial who wears black, it I still believe though that shadows indeed defines light. I feel so bless to the bone and thank Him for everything.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anger management, family, personal, thoughts, work
Woke up this afternoon and found out that Turrow’s book had been torn into pieces. As if I am looking in the desolate scene of the movie Malena. Haven’t read the novel yet and it literally pissed me off. I don’t know how long the dog will be staying in the apartment. I had a bad day yesterday and what I’ll do, I’ll focus on what I am be doing. I know that I have to be perfect or else they might kick me out of the curve. I bought noodles for dinner and didn’t enjoy it. I felt like I wasted my money on something I don’t like. Oh well and yes the sudden change of schedule made my toes wreathed. I suppose to be going home tomorrow morning but since I have new schedule I will not be able to go. I miss my mother and father so much. I miss my baby brother as well. I wish that there is an MRT going straight to our province so that I will not going to rent a house here in Manila. Little by little I am learning how to discipline myself in terms of controlling my emotions… oh well .. Goodluck /hehe
09.06.06
So many things.
It seems like I’d been in a very long ride on the way down south, the proverbial scent of the lynching makes my body quiver. There is this certain queerness that makes this ride so exciting. A lot of positive changes going and this growth that I am going through are so real.
I just bought new gizmos and currently finishing reading a novel and this so called confusion leads me into a life that bores me into a coma and yet I am enjoying it.
Still tracking down his whereabouts and still want to know how are things with this egoistical man.
I went home this last weekend; never realize that I miss my family so much that I don’t want to go to work yet. Baby sits my niece and my baby brother, damn! They grow up so quick and I feeling so old.
Slowly picking up.
From those unpleasantries
From those unworthiness
Craziness – haha!
My life – I love it.
Talking Skin 