October 23, 2007
“The world is a vampire.”
I feel like I am a zombie. I haven’t sleep for 36 hours now and I can feel the pain throbbing on my back and in my head. My eyes are tired and it appears that colors in my surroundings had changed. I want to go to sleep. I don’t want to go to work. My eyes are tired. I am trying to scream and trying to say something but it comes up like a hum. I don’t have strength to move my arms. I am so tired and I feel somebody is dragging me into somewhere not familiar. I can feel there is a heavy thing pushing the inside of me and I can’t get up.
It was been a practice of mine if I am not enjoying my job I will quit right away and find a new one. For now I am still here doing the same stuff for over a year now. I am a surprise with myself. I feel like I am lifeless though. It’s very painful to find out that you don’t have a choice…
October 20, 2007
I am alone
Guess it will be me, I and myself.
I had been very lonely. I can’t even remember how
to give a genuine-good laugh with anything funny. I am not so sure if
having this blanket is a good idea … well whatever it felt right
anyway. Work is extremely boring. Assisting client on how to open his own
office computer is not that very rewarding. Most of the time providing
support to some New Yorkers’ assholes and bitches in which their issue
were just, they were unable to locate missing word document that they just had
save few minutes ago is very irritating. Hearing some racial slur not only on
TV even during my work is very aggravating. I know there is more to come. Damn,
I can’t wait.
I’ve been studying programming lately, little by
little slowly picking up. I have some hard time dividing myself
though. I wish I can bilocate myself to fasten up my learning. I
wish I would be able to find my niche and be able to get a good paying
job. I am not getting any younger now. I need to do it myself since
nobody will be able to help me. I need to stand alone and fight my own
battle for I am alone and it is a mature thing to do.
I just got cool news from one of my girl friend who happens
to be a member of a band. She mentioned that my poem that I wrote, I
guess I was 17 or 18 years old back then is now a track. I had heard it
on imeem and I can say that hearing your own words being sung by an artist is
great. It feels like somebody accepted you and recognized you not only
with what you can do but who are you as a person.
I guess I need to file a vacation leave and travel
somewhere. Get lose. Hopefully I and my boo will be able to do
that. I can’t wait to kiss him in the wilderness. Whew! Creepy I
know but it sounds sexy. *laughs*
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: boredome, guilt, life, personal demons, work
So after being slow and screwed for an entire two weeks and having alphabetized all of my clothes and suffered from chronic psychosis and after counting the leaves on our roof and so on I haven’t been able to write something and yet still I started acting like a real adult which is a must in my age. I tend to forget that I am not living in my own reality I am living in the reality of the world so I should act like I am one of “them”. As I am walking on my way work and amble down to the street of New York, oppss I mean Ayala, I have notice that it is a requirement to own a phone camera or else you’ll be kick out from the curve and people will give you a questioning face if they happen to find out that you don’t have phone camera or at least colored phone. Everybody is hurling their cell phones up to my face and as if proving me a sign of success. Sadly, this is the world I live in and I need to adopt, for me to be able cope up. I need to think like them. I was wondering perhaps being a chameleon is much easier since all you have to do is to change color then viola! You’ll be one of them. I know for sure that there is a need for me to set myself to the tedious task of sorting through hundreds of list of technical issues and complains and I need to read more journals for me not to left behind. I need to open my ears with what’s going on and stop being an autistic that bangs head on the walls.
Mind Fuck.
Voice: “You need to think straight Selma. Do a cost base analysis; weigh things out and choose what is important and throw away those insignificant one. Focus; clean up that blurry mind and ask those brain cells to do their job.”
I don’t know why I have to write a journal about what’s going on in my life. I don’t know why I have to archive my own life to live. I don’t know what I have to tell the world those embarrassing events happened to my life even I know for sure no one is reading it. But it felt right and through this at least I manage to release those so called personal demons, whereas I thought I vanquished it but it keeps on haunting me still. I know I need to save all of my thoughts because I tend to forget almost everything. Everything merely stays on my short term memory. After sleeping I’ll forget all the things I have done or the things that was happened.
I still have this “catholic guilt” in me, what have you done? Why did you choose that instead of the other one? I can’t fight “it”. It is like drug that consume you but will make you elated. I feel the pain on my legs but I’m still craving for it. Two bickering voices … Another pimple pops out on my face.
Talking Skin 