I enjoy this nothingness and this defenselessness

Updates

Wow, it’s been ages since I posted something here. I am learning new things and I’m always on foot nowadays telling stories thru my lens.

oOo

Went back to my parents house last May and I was able to dig in old letters for my beau. Dated 3-4 years ago (can’t remember) and it is only now he able to read it. *giggles*

Check my flickr account :

http://www.flickr.com/photos/talkingskin101/

The Reader is a holocaust film that doesn’t really focus on German war atrocities. It is a love story between a teenage boy named Michael Berg (young Michael Berg was played by David Kross) and Hannah Schmitz (Kate Winslet) a tram conductor on her 30s in which she seduced and taught carnal knowledge and love to a boy she called kid. Part of their sexual simulation, the kid read her some classic books from school.

Stephen Daldry direction is superb and as always everything was executed gracefully. I love the poignancy of every scene –brilliant and beautiful, so beautiful it hurts to see them. The love scene was straightforward and metaphorical all at once. I can say that all of the actors did a very good job, and the new German actor David Kross’ performance was impressive. Winslet brought something for the audience – a feeling of uncertainty on how to feel about Hannah’s character. You will think that there are something wrong happened to her but left unspoken.

When Hannah decided to move on, Michael is distraught when he finds one day, that she has disappeared and got more shocked when he see her after couple of years, defending herself on a trial court. Hannah was convicted to life imprisonment for the crimes she was involved in Auschwitz when she work there as an SS guard.

Ralph Fiennes played the grown up Michael Berg now a lawyer still remembers all the memories he has during his teenage years and still extremely dejected by what happened. He sent Hannah some audio tape of the books he read for her before. Tries to reconnect to her and accompany her during her loneliness.

The Reader tackled issues of outstanding significance. It is not only a story of two people having a torrid affair during their tumultuous days and neediness but a story of Germany at war. It discusses the complexities of morality of every individual.

The movie was compelling; will stir away your emotion; will make you understand the abstractions in human behaviour.

I am currently reading the first book and I know it’s too early to give my opinion. And so I am doing a movie review. (One thing for sure though you can never compare Meyer’s Vampire to Ann Rice’s. Rice is classic)

The ladies always talk about the upcoming movie and the current book they’re reading. I felt like I don’t know what’s going on with almost everything and I want to know what the bustle is all about and so I watched the movie. The story is all about a girl named Bella played by Kristen Stewart fell in loved with the sexy-so-old vampire boy Edward played by Robert Pattinson. There are a lot of vague scenarios in the movie that I think they should tell the audience since not everybody read the book. Say why the vampires think Bella’s blood smell so good and why Edward can’t read Bella’s mind where as he can read almost all human’s mind but not Bella’s. Also there is nothing in the movie to distinguish Bella from the other kids from school. She doesn’t have special powers, no what so ever except that her skin is paler than the other. What made her so special?

I like the scene where in Bella will meet the whole Cullen Family, and they where all like cooking Italian dish for her – I think that was so cute. Just like Ann Rice Stephanie Meyer’s made her vampire a lot more human.

Action scenes sucks and I think director Catherine Hardwicke needs to work on it. But the romance and the chemistry between the two leads are successful, which I know for sure almost pinoys or should I say pinays will love this because there are loads of tender moments and I am sure they will be creating like a “Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Group or We love Robert Pattinson Group” in friendster and I am sure on the layout there will be like a glittering heart and butterflies all over.

I hate the musical scoring, it ain’t cinematic. I just don’t get it. Except for the last song by Iron and Wine “Flightless Bird, American Mouth” where in I think it blends well with the type of community they have in Forks.

Even if I didn’t read the book there is a feeling like there is something missing.

1. I was born In Manila
2.My parents met in Manila but they are not from Manila
3.I started working part time when I was 18
4. Never pay tuition fees in my undergrad course
5. I hate my school when I was in college
6. I don’t like big crowds
7. Quiet
8. I cook
9. When I was in high school, I forged my teacher signature to complete the school clearance
10. I love food
11. I am curious
12. I screwed up most of my work interviews
13. I own loads of ATM cards zero balance
14. I play the guitar
15. I dreamt of becoming a famous pianist (Cecile Licad wannabe)
16. I nail bite
17. I bore people
18. They bore me as well
19. Disturb
20. I love digital arts
21. I eat a lot
22. I write
23. I sing (my frustration)
24. I lie
25. I love movies
26. Big Tori Amos fan
27. Clumsy
28. Preoccupied
29. I believe Tori is a mystical being
30. I listen to Morissette as well
31. I got loads of violence in my mind
32. I write cheesy poetries
33. I love technology
34. I used to beg God for a set of wings
35. I live alone… No dogs or cats but I have Ishung
36. I lived in weird places
37. I have always felt inferior to everyone
38. I watch black and white movies and shows
39. I am very talkative on the phone but not if you meet me personally
40. I will marry my fiancé in a heartbeat
41. I love watching independent films even if most of them doesn’t have subtitle
42. I do web design
43. I don’t know how to tweeze my eyebrows
44. I fear that my fear is greater than my faith
45. I have the same best friend since high school
46. I wish my legs and arms weren’t hairy
47. I love the afternoon
48. And the afternoon rain
49. I believe that the space is finite
50. I love documentaries
51. Drama Queen
52. I am an islander but I don’t know how to swim
53. My sister nicknamed me, Kiting because she can’t pronounce my real name
54. Until now, she can’t pronounce it (hehehe)
55. I hate country music
56. But I grew up listening to them
57. I love photography
58. And the environment
59. And traveling
60. I hate people who talk very loud using the English language (I  mean extremely loud as if they were bragging)
61. I work in a call center and hate it
62. Stubborn
63. I love nature muchly!
64. Not involving myself with any kind of organized religion
65. Believer of God, Jesus and the Bible
66. I don’t smoke and I loathe the smell of it
67. I used to drink occasionally but now I never drink
68. I download movies and music – I am not buying them *evil grin*
69. I wish I could quit cursing, but it’s really hard
70. Loyal person
71. I have 2 nieces and 1 nephew
72. Still dreaming
73. Movies make me cry
74. And music too
75. I mimic Jewel Kilcher voice and mannerism (when she was still cool)
76. I am 27
77. My fiancé is 30
78. I am the youngest in the family
79. I don’t believe in catholic catheticism
80. Apolitical
81. I am not a coffee drinker, but now I am because of my migraine
82. I love the ocean and mountains too
83. I wish I were more organized
84. I wish fall is my favourite season but we don’t have fall in the Philippines
85. I love to read
86. I like to stay home more than anything.
87. I have watched Aguila and Valiente when I was in grade school
88. No. It is not my favourite show, It is just that I don’t have a choice
89. Can’t stand people who walk slow or who stop to talk in the middle of a crowded street
90. Very bad with math
91. Loves walking along the beach at night barefooted
92. I was bullied in grade school
93. Can’t believe that I ask my mother to send me to a foster parent in Australia (I was 13)
94. Because I want to study in New South Wales
95. Hates change
96. I’m 27 and I don’t know how to drive
97. Used to watch Mcgyver, Doggie Howser MD and Beverly Hills 90210
98. I love hot paraffin wax on my body
99. I can say I have two of the greatest parents in the world.
100. When I buy a house, it’s going to have a huge kitchen.
101. Can’t believe you actually read all through of these.

September 25, 2007 4:09 PM

I had written thousand of letters for you. I have had written tons of journals and poems about my life experiences with you.Most of it you never manage to read it and most it I believe you intended not to read it.It’s been 3 years and I never thought that we will be able to talk again. Yes I am happy because at least you open the channel of communication.We cannot hide nor run with something because it will hunt us no matter how much we try to conceal it.What you did is like freeing yourself from yourself – saving yourself from yourself.I am sure all the things that were happened to you good or bad will make you a better person.I can say that I was overwhelmed by all the truths that you had said.I know it will take lots of courage for telling those and accepting the fact that you did something wrong. I enjoy talking to you as if I am talking to you for the very first time and this time no more walls, boundaries, no more stories.Yes, I also feel comfortable talking to you.In someway you know me well.You understand me well.

Everything you had said was right.It will be very hard for both us to have this friendship work because we hurt too many people in the past aside from ourselves.On my end my families and friends, on your end your families especially your mum.Oh well, they’ll not be able to know it anyway, what the heck – *laughs*.I want to make sure that we will be able set up a sturdy foundation for this friendship.We spoke about what was happen to us after the breakups but we never talk about how exactly we feel after that. I want to know not only for the sake of knowing it, but for me to be able to complete the puzzle that I am trying to solve for three years.

I had observed that when we talk there are some unwanted dead airs, but I know back in our mind we want to speak up and share something and want to say something but something’s stopping us from talking.What is that, I still don’t know.I believe in due time we will be able to discover it.

All I want was closure, we haven’t talked about it much yet, but I know sooner the wound that I have will completely healed.I created clouds in a certain part of my memory because I don’t want to remember since it was painful.

For now let’s just enjoy each other’s company and enjoy all the new things that we will be able learn from each other.

I feel like I am a freshman.

September 25, 2007 2:45 PM

Again the hiatus of my writings visited me.It was almost a year when I written something and had it posted in deviant art and after that — silence.I don’t know why this blackout frequently visits me. It happens from time to time.I will feel the silence and that silence will eat the whole out of me…

I started to write when I was 14 years old.Unfortunately I was unable to archive all of my writings.I usually write poetries, essays and short stories on a scratch of paper while I’m on my math class.I always envy my elder sister because she’s part of our school organ.She’s the managing editor of our school, while I was nobody who keeps on hiding at the back of our schoolyard.I am average, and I am jealous with those students who managed to attend those national contests.I got thousands of ideas in my mind but I have some hard time expressing it.I thought god merely give me a little talent, and I thought no matter how I try to study or practice I will not be able to ace my exam because I was created average. It is aggravating knowing that I was created with certain limitations, that I cannot compete with those brainy guys, and so I write my frustrations.Nobody knows what I am thinking and for I know nobody cares.I created a world which whom only I can dwell.Until now that world still exists though some part of it is becoming blurry.I remember when I was just a kid all of the things that I saw in my imagination are so radiant and almost real.But when I got old everything seems to be fuzzy — unclear.Little by little as the time goes by, as I manage to learn new things and my wisdom grows I understand why I was unable to be part of the cream of the class.I managed to learn the answer and made me more frustrated.I was so insecure.I got inferiority complex.My bad experiences when I was a kid made it worse.Nobody supported me morally, to at least uplift my spirit.Instead I will get yelled, insulted, bullied or somebody will do a mockery on me. Nobody believes on me.It was only I and my fictitious world…

After a year, here I am again, writing some clichés.Making myself as busy as possible to fill in the nothingness I am having.I want to get lazy.I don’t want to go to work, in which I can’t afford.I want to see the sunrise and sleep at night.I want to be in love and be love.I want to feel the same happiness when I was a kid, when my mother gave me my first pair of rubber shoes.I was so damn happy; I can’t sleep because I was so excited.I am hoping that I will be able to feel it again.Well I guess it is too much to hope for.

Friday December 21 2007

The Firefly Upshot

(Self loathing)

My body is getting weak as well as my brain.I can’t understand why this is happening.I grew tired of listening to people’s disapproval and I don’t want to give any efforts anymore.I don’t want to read.I just want to sleep.For if I sleep there are no denunciations, no pressure, and no pain.I hate this defenselessness.I can feel the life force floating somewhere in which I have some hard time reaching for it.My heart beat faster whenever I hear truths about spirituality.

I have this very bad habit today that whenever I start something I tend to stop doing it and fire inside me to finish certain task or to learn new concept literally dies away.I hate this.I procrastinate a lot.And choose not to do anything to improve myself but ironically I still crave for a better life.I remember three years ago, I was so eager to learn almost everything and I have this perseverance to master it.But then something came up, I developed insecurities and loathed myself too much and I almost killed myself.Yes, it’s crazy.We are all crazy anyway.For now that life force inside me is not there anymore. I hope that I’ll be able to restore it back to its original place so I can move my right hand and be able to do something productive.

I understand that I need to do something about it before it’s too late.For I know we are all temporary arrangements.Even this love relationship that I have with him, I don’t know if this will last for a life time.Of course, I always pray to Him that hopefully this one we have right now will reach to another level of love.As I have always said it is not my faith for this relationship will gauge that, it is really up to him. For I am always been a very loyal someone who waits till forever.Though honestly, I am growing tired of this waiting thing, for I am no longer getting any younger.I am thinking lots of stuff… religion and how to get rich the quickest way. For I know even we got married I have to have my own money because as much as possible I don’t want his families to think I am stealing their money.Since I am pretty sure even I signed a “pre-nup” still their eyes will still on me.Abhorring me…Why do I say so?Because it is always like that, ever since I was a kid people surrounds me thinks that way and that thing will never be change.It is like a curse.Even I don’t do anything.I don’t talk, I don’t go out, and create my own world with out asking any help with anybody, somebody will still hate me, since I am not likeable.I am very ugly.I don’t please people.I am shy and don’t approach anybody.

I have to have my own house, my own savings and my own business.As what he clearly stated he doesn’t want me to depend on him.Because I know for sure if things didn’t go well again, I’ll be left alone again, no love, no skills and no money and most of all no life.I love him so much that is for sure, but I am not sure if he is man enough to defend me against the people surrounds him.

When I was a kid I didn’t give any importance with face value, since during that time I don’t see people as beautiful or ugly, I look at them equally.But then when I grow old and “bigger” (oh well) I notice that face value plays a very important role in our society.If you have a pretty face even how dumb you are, even how lazy you are, even how greedy you are it doesn’t really matters, because you are beautiful and people will try to understand you better, will help you as much as they could.They will choose as a leader since you got the right face and right smile.You rule the world if you are beautiful.

Funny thing going on in life right now is that, I remember when I was a kid my whole family disgraced me because I am ugly and now my boyfriend’s mother doesn’t like me because I am ugly and I am poor.I hate this feeling that I am always damned because of my status in life and the way I look.I hate this disapproval, I had this since birth.I don’t understand.I always ask to myself, do I really deserve this?Is this my punishment? Why?Is it really hard to accept me who I am?I guess it is too much to hope for.So be it.

-end-