Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: life, love, love relationship, past, personal
September 25, 2007 4:09 PM
I had written thousand of letters for you. I have had written tons of journals and poems about my life experiences with you.Most of it you never manage to read it and most it I believe you intended not to read it.It’s been 3 years and I never thought that we will be able to talk again. Yes I am happy because at least you open the channel of communication.We cannot hide nor run with something because it will hunt us no matter how much we try to conceal it.What you did is like freeing yourself from yourself – saving yourself from yourself.I am sure all the things that were happened to you good or bad will make you a better person.I can say that I was overwhelmed by all the truths that you had said.I know it will take lots of courage for telling those and accepting the fact that you did something wrong. I enjoy talking to you as if I am talking to you for the very first time and this time no more walls, boundaries, no more stories.Yes, I also feel comfortable talking to you.In someway you know me well.You understand me well.
Everything you had said was right.It will be very hard for both us to have this friendship work because we hurt too many people in the past aside from ourselves.On my end my families and friends, on your end your families especially your mum.Oh well, they’ll not be able to know it anyway, what the heck – *laughs*.I want to make sure that we will be able set up a sturdy foundation for this friendship.We spoke about what was happen to us after the breakups but we never talk about how exactly we feel after that. I want to know not only for the sake of knowing it, but for me to be able to complete the puzzle that I am trying to solve for three years.
I had observed that when we talk there are some unwanted dead airs, but I know back in our mind we want to speak up and share something and want to say something but something’s stopping us from talking.What is that, I still don’t know.I believe in due time we will be able to discover it.
All I want was closure, we haven’t talked about it much yet, but I know sooner the wound that I have will completely healed.I created clouds in a certain part of my memory because I don’t want to remember since it was painful.
For now let’s just enjoy each other’s company and enjoy all the new things that we will be able learn from each other.
I feel like I am a freshman.
September 25, 2007 2:45 PM
Again the hiatus of my writings visited me.It was almost a year when I written something and had it posted in deviant art and after that — silence.I don’t know why this blackout frequently visits me. It happens from time to time.I will feel the silence and that silence will eat the whole out of me…
I started to write when I was 14 years old.Unfortunately I was unable to archive all of my writings.I usually write poetries, essays and short stories on a scratch of paper while I’m on my math class.I always envy my elder sister because she’s part of our school organ.She’s the managing editor of our school, while I was nobody who keeps on hiding at the back of our schoolyard.I am average, and I am jealous with those students who managed to attend those national contests.I got thousands of ideas in my mind but I have some hard time expressing it.I thought god merely give me a little talent, and I thought no matter how I try to study or practice I will not be able to ace my exam because I was created average. It is aggravating knowing that I was created with certain limitations, that I cannot compete with those brainy guys, and so I write my frustrations.Nobody knows what I am thinking and for I know nobody cares.I created a world which whom only I can dwell.Until now that world still exists though some part of it is becoming blurry.I remember when I was just a kid all of the things that I saw in my imagination are so radiant and almost real.But when I got old everything seems to be fuzzy — unclear.Little by little as the time goes by, as I manage to learn new things and my wisdom grows I understand why I was unable to be part of the cream of the class.I managed to learn the answer and made me more frustrated.I was so insecure.I got inferiority complex.My bad experiences when I was a kid made it worse.Nobody supported me morally, to at least uplift my spirit.Instead I will get yelled, insulted, bullied or somebody will do a mockery on me. Nobody believes on me.It was only I and my fictitious world…
After a year, here I am again, writing some clichés.Making myself as busy as possible to fill in the nothingness I am having.I want to get lazy.I don’t want to go to work, in which I can’t afford.I want to see the sunrise and sleep at night.I want to be in love and be love.I want to feel the same happiness when I was a kid, when my mother gave me my first pair of rubber shoes.I was so damn happy; I can’t sleep because I was so excited.I am hoping that I will be able to feel it again.Well I guess it is too much to hope for.
Friday December 21 2007
The Firefly Upshot
(Self loathing)
My body is getting weak as well as my brain.I can’t understand why this is happening.I grew tired of listening to people’s disapproval and I don’t want to give any efforts anymore.I don’t want to read.I just want to sleep.For if I sleep there are no denunciations, no pressure, and no pain.I hate this defenselessness.I can feel the life force floating somewhere in which I have some hard time reaching for it.My heart beat faster whenever I hear truths about spirituality.
I have this very bad habit today that whenever I start something I tend to stop doing it and fire inside me to finish certain task or to learn new concept literally dies away.I hate this.I procrastinate a lot.And choose not to do anything to improve myself but ironically I still crave for a better life.I remember three years ago, I was so eager to learn almost everything and I have this perseverance to master it.But then something came up, I developed insecurities and loathed myself too much and I almost killed myself.Yes, it’s crazy.We are all crazy anyway.For now that life force inside me is not there anymore. I hope that I’ll be able to restore it back to its original place so I can move my right hand and be able to do something productive.
I understand that I need to do something about it before it’s too late.For I know we are all temporary arrangements.Even this love relationship that I have with him, I don’t know if this will last for a life time.Of course, I always pray to Him that hopefully this one we have right now will reach to another level of love.As I have always said it is not my faith for this relationship will gauge that, it is really up to him. For I am always been a very loyal someone who waits till forever.Though honestly, I am growing tired of this waiting thing, for I am no longer getting any younger.I am thinking lots of stuff… religion and how to get rich the quickest way. For I know even we got married I have to have my own money because as much as possible I don’t want his families to think I am stealing their money.Since I am pretty sure even I signed a “pre-nup” still their eyes will still on me.Abhorring me…Why do I say so?Because it is always like that, ever since I was a kid people surrounds me thinks that way and that thing will never be change.It is like a curse.Even I don’t do anything.I don’t talk, I don’t go out, and create my own world with out asking any help with anybody, somebody will still hate me, since I am not likeable.I am very ugly.I don’t please people.I am shy and don’t approach anybody.
I have to have my own house, my own savings and my own business.As what he clearly stated he doesn’t want me to depend on him.Because I know for sure if things didn’t go well again, I’ll be left alone again, no love, no skills and no money and most of all no life.I love him so much that is for sure, but I am not sure if he is man enough to defend me against the people surrounds him.
When I was a kid I didn’t give any importance with face value, since during that time I don’t see people as beautiful or ugly, I look at them equally.But then when I grow old and “bigger” (oh well) I notice that face value plays a very important role in our society.If you have a pretty face even how dumb you are, even how lazy you are, even how greedy you are it doesn’t really matters, because you are beautiful and people will try to understand you better, will help you as much as they could.They will choose as a leader since you got the right face and right smile.You rule the world if you are beautiful.
Funny thing going on in life right now is that, I remember when I was a kid my whole family disgraced me because I am ugly and now my boyfriend’s mother doesn’t like me because I am ugly and I am poor.I hate this feeling that I am always damned because of my status in life and the way I look.I hate this disapproval, I had this since birth.I don’t understand.I always ask to myself, do I really deserve this?Is this my punishment? Why?Is it really hard to accept me who I am?I guess it is too much to hope for.So be it.
-end-
September 29, 2007 9:18 PM
I have lots of things to do and I don’t know how I will start, and which one should I do first.Yes I am now on Information and Technology group and I am here by accident.I never realize that I will end doing something that is related to technology.
This morning I only have 2 hours of sleep.I can say that this weekend I had been almost sleepless.Because I think lot of things and imagined too much.Confusing in some point but fortunately I manage to locate the dividing lines in my emotion.At least for now I know exactly what to feel and been able to meet the unanswered questions way years back.I can say there is some improvement with how I should weigh and handle things.I learned how to wait.I learned the value of waiting and weighing.I find it hard before in my end to do such since I am impulsive and always over reacting.Now I am experiencing what older people always say, that, you will gain wisdom when you grow older.
Years now have been past but until now I am still in the process of organizing my own life.When I try to remember the things that I did in the past, the decisions I made, the choices I made, I realized how immature I was.I understand though that in some way I have to undergo those events for me to be able to become a better person.
I reckon for you to be able to fight boredom you need to focus on something that is very relevant.This will help you improve and achieve growth not only with your career but also your well being.At long last, I can say that I am no longer a drama queen! (laughs) I am no longer living on the dark side of the road.For now I have take in that there is always a reason why we should celebrate life.
I used to have some hard time adapting to the changes that is happening in my environment and my life in general.I am happy now that I’d been able to adjust.I may lose some friends but it doesn’t affect me much because I believe I’ll be having more in the future.
Listening is very important in the learning process.This is the way for you to be able to understand why people are acting that way they were.
