Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: blog, impression, nothingness, personal, thoughts
3:01 in the morning I can’t sleep. I can feel the pain in my back; don’t have any idea in my mind. Been three months since I plan to create new poetries or at least short anecdotes about how beautiful the afternoon rain was or how stunning the morning was… I started a lot of projects but I can’t finish anything. As if that I am about to fall into a black hole – the closer I get to the center of the hole the gravitational pull gets stronger then I will vanquish into nothingness.
Gone.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: collider, hadron, large, lhc, time, travel
Few weeks back I and my boo were got hooked with Area 51, extra terrestrials, alien technologies, and other stories the believed to be all conspiracy theories. We never thought that there are loads of physical evidences and people who can testify that those are real (most of them worked for the US government). As my boo read more stuff regarding this he learned about this Large Hadron Collider. Everybody might already know about this, but people like us who don’t watch television and don’t read the newspaper that often this is really new. For the people who don’t know what is Large Hadron Collider (LHC) it s the largest particle accelerator located near Geneva, Switzerland. The collider is expected to simulate the circumstances of the Big Bang. Scientists also hope that the LHC will generate enough energy to create particles that exist in “other dimensions”. It will produce an energy so focused that it may create a wormhole—not a different place but a different time. If this is true, where would you go?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: beetle, childhood memories, german car, volkswagen; type 1, vw
(The Type 1)
Volkswagen, which it is pronounced [ˈfɔlksˌvaːgən] means People’s car in German. I remember when I was a kid I and my cousins will stay in the waiting shed and we will wait for a turtle like car and we will laugh once we see one. I am not so sure why were doing that, I am completely clueless but I am also laughing with them, for the sake of laughing. They also have— like a list of how many VW they saw that day and they’ll also jot it down if the driver is bald or not. For some weird reason, most of the drivers were bald. Maybe it was a fashion statement during the 80’s. I am not so sure.
When I was still in college I’ve noticed everybody in our neighborhood was restoring their old beetle-bug turtle like car. Then it came back to me my memories when I was still a kid…
I believe Volkswagen is one of the best design cars because it is never obsolete — a beautiful classic. It also has a peculiar shape which is everlasting in the memory of everyone.
Until now I am not so sure what’s the reason why we were laughing. o.O
Last year I visited my doctor to check what’s wrong with my temporal lobe. Aside from having a terrible memory loss, I experienced acute migraine which I can compare the pain that of having a tooth abscess. I don’t want to do anything and I don’t want to talk to anyone and I don’t want to think. Doctor says drinking coffee will at lessen my migraine clashes. I am not really a coffee drinker. After couple of months, I followed my doctor’s advised. Yep it did lessen down the migraine attack and it helped me to clear out my mind. Also I have read that if you are a sleep deprived person (and most people who works in a call center are) produces false memories they said that caffeine helps to boost accurate recall.
Moreover, according to WebMD coffee could actually lower the risk of diabetes, cavities, Parkinson’s disease, colon cancer and it could lift your mood and treat headaches. Some of these reported benefits are because of its higher caffeine content. They said the caffeine likely does is stimulate the brain and nervous system to do things differently and that includes signaling you to ignore fatigue.
Wow.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: amos, comic book tattoo, obsessions, tori, tori amos, under the pink
(My Tori Story)
I started listening to her when I was seventeen. First Tori album that I bought was Under the Pink. It was on Sunday afternoon when I played it for the first time. I listened to it and I fell in love with the voice and the music. I read it thoroughly and was trying to decipher the messages in every song. She kind of scares the hell out of me. Because of that I didn’t listen to it for three months. Blasphemy is very disturbing. What I did I read all the things about her – mostly you will be able to read her in Rollingstone and Spin magazine, the more I read about her the more I got hooked up and became obsessed. I started listening to the album and bought all of her records. I am not really interested with computers but because, what I know the internet is the fastest way to get all the information that I need, I became computer literate and I end up developing websites. It was 1999 when I developed my first web page dedicated for Amos, and I called it “In Great Danger”.
These past few weeks, I was just remembering those things, how I talk about how I “discovered” Amos and my so called new obsessions. It’s all coming back to me. I am having flash backs –lots of them. And I just found myself browsing to Amos’ official website. Kind of surprise me with the new looks and also surprise about the news – she is going independent. I am very happy about it… Since I believe she will be able to explore other things and nobody will dictate what she needs to do. She doesn’t needs to please any labels. She is going indie, meaning no more boundaries… and hey the Comic Book Tattoo — I think that is very clever.
What the … my first blog for 2008?!?
I never realized that I’d been very busy but I felt like nothing’s happening. My dreams have no meaning. I am still alone … still counting handwritings on the wall. I am a lifeless, mindless robot in this city with crazy and ironic people. I’m nearing thirty but still think like a 16 year old, still stuck with my teen age ways. If there is a thing that I regret with my life; that is I, being impatient and too curious. I hate this feeling that I still have what ifs.
My whole body is aching today. My beau and I went to UP to jog, at least for now both of us are working out and have a healthy lifestyle. We’re both all bloated up. It’s about time. After the jog I asked my beau if there is a close mercury drugstore, he said two blocks away. I never thought two blocks means from Balara to Commonwealth Ave.
Lesson: never ask a first time jogger for a direction, or you know what will happen.
oOo
October 23, 2007
“The world is a vampire.”
I feel like I am a zombie. I haven’t sleep for 36 hours now and I can feel the pain throbbing on my back and in my head. My eyes are tired and it appears that colors in my surroundings had changed. I want to go to sleep. I don’t want to go to work. My eyes are tired. I am trying to scream and trying to say something but it comes up like a hum. I don’t have strength to move my arms. I am so tired and I feel somebody is dragging me into somewhere not familiar. I can feel there is a heavy thing pushing the inside of me and I can’t get up.
It was been a practice of mine if I am not enjoying my job I will quit right away and find a new one. For now I am still here doing the same stuff for over a year now. I am a surprise with myself. I feel like I am lifeless though. It’s very painful to find out that you don’t have a choice…
October 20, 2007
I am alone
Guess it will be me, I and myself.
I had been very lonely. I can’t even remember how
to give a genuine-good laugh with anything funny. I am not so sure if
having this blanket is a good idea … well whatever it felt right
anyway. Work is extremely boring. Assisting client on how to open his own
office computer is not that very rewarding. Most of the time providing
support to some New Yorkers’ assholes and bitches in which their issue
were just, they were unable to locate missing word document that they just had
save few minutes ago is very irritating. Hearing some racial slur not only on
TV even during my work is very aggravating. I know there is more to come. Damn,
I can’t wait.
I’ve been studying programming lately, little by
little slowly picking up. I have some hard time dividing myself
though. I wish I can bilocate myself to fasten up my learning. I
wish I would be able to find my niche and be able to get a good paying
job. I am not getting any younger now. I need to do it myself since
nobody will be able to help me. I need to stand alone and fight my own
battle for I am alone and it is a mature thing to do.
I just got cool news from one of my girl friend who happens
to be a member of a band. She mentioned that my poem that I wrote, I
guess I was 17 or 18 years old back then is now a track. I had heard it
on imeem and I can say that hearing your own words being sung by an artist is
great. It feels like somebody accepted you and recognized you not only
with what you can do but who are you as a person.
I guess I need to file a vacation leave and travel
somewhere. Get lose. Hopefully I and my boo will be able to do
that. I can’t wait to kiss him in the wilderness. Whew! Creepy I
know but it sounds sexy. *laughs*
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: doppler ganger, haunted house, old house, white noises
I swear, the apartment that we are living in today is haunted.
Since we moved to this old house we experienced lots of interesting incidents. The house looks creepy at night whenever your outside, you can’t help it but to stare to the house. If I am correct the house was design during the 70’s and according to people it is one of the biggest houses in Bacood, Sta. Mesa. The family who lived there was one of the richest as well. They always have gathering every night and when the beautiful chandelier is on everybody knows that there is another one big celebration. When ate Eloisa and I checked the house, we were amazed and we kind of like the homely feeling of the house. Though honestly I felt a different aura but I ignored it since I fell in love with the house’ architecture. It is not that extremely grandeur but it has sex appeal. The semi-spiral stair case has two Doric columns. It also has book shelves which really cool since my house mates got thousands of books. The lights are all yellow. Even the kitchen and the bathroom are very vintage, the walls and the floors were marbled. The windows upstairs are made up of capiz (* traditional filipiniana window which is made of wood and fish’s scales). We painted the house, and removed the mirrors on the upper floor. I strongly suggested having the mirror remove because it is giving me creep. After couple of weeks we started experiencing weird happenings inside the house. I remember, I was half asleep and it was 2 o’clock -3 o’clock in the afternoon, two of my housemates were having their dinner, then Michelle asked, “Did they feed the dog?” Then I have heard Hernan’s voice and answered back, “I already fed the dog, ate Leng!” Michelle called Hernan but there was no response. I was still in bed during that time and asked them if Hernan didn’t attend the school. Ate Eloisa said, “We’re not sure”. Michelle went upstairs to check but there is no one on the upper floor. People just gave skeptical opinion regarding that thing and the three of us just ignored it. We thought that it will be last weird occasion that we will be experiencing but then according to Sam, when all of them went upstairs and switch on the air-conditioner they felt that somebody opened the door downstairs and they’ve heard somebody was walking and they thought that I was the one who’s coming, and so ate Marah said, “Come in”, and they felt that somebody went straight to the rest room and so they waited for me to open the door but nobody did it. They said that probably they just hearing some things and again they ignored it and so when I arrived around 9:00 in the evening they were surprise and they told me about the funny incident.
Ate Marah I think has the scariest experience. According to her she woke up around 5 in the morning and she even felt my arrival. She saw Sandra’s face and still sleeping. When she woke up, she asked Hernan, what time did Sandra went to the office. Hernan said that Sam never went home because she stayed in the office and stayed there overnight. She said, “It’s impossible I saw her and she was sleeping beside me.” During that time when I arrived I saw that Sam didn’t sleep in the house and there was nobody sleeping beside ate Marah. The only people in the house were I, Hernan and ate Marah and Hernan was sleeping upstairs. Sunday, the same week, around 4:00 in the afternoon, Michelle was playing the guitar and was trying to record her voice using a mobile phone. I was sitting beside her and I was busy texting my beau while I am singing with her. When Michelle finishes the recording and when she played it back and we were surprise because as if the somebody is blocking Michelle’s voice, and we heard a very loud scream. I asked Michelle if she is merely doing a practical joke, she said, “No way. I am not going to do that. Ate Marah is sleeping and she’ll get mad at me if I scream like that.” We went frantically upstairs and I called Sam who happens to be taking a shower, and I told her, “You must hear this now!” I told her that it was extremely important to take a listen to the recording that Michelle made. So she did, and I asked her opinion and she was somewhat lack of words. But I know for sure we get scared the hell out of it. If I’ll be describing the scream/voice it seems that somebody is in agony and in fear and in rage. On the last part of the recording you will be ale to hear a very scary deep voice and you’ll hear that he is whispering something and it literally give us a Goosebumps whenever we listen to it.
(**For reference you can check Sandra’s blog 
**)
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: boredome, guilt, life, personal demons, work
So after being slow and screwed for an entire two weeks and having alphabetized all of my clothes and suffered from chronic psychosis and after counting the leaves on our roof and so on I haven’t been able to write something and yet still I started acting like a real adult which is a must in my age. I tend to forget that I am not living in my own reality I am living in the reality of the world so I should act like I am one of “them”. As I am walking on my way work and amble down to the street of New York, oppss I mean Ayala, I have notice that it is a requirement to own a phone camera or else you’ll be kick out from the curve and people will give you a questioning face if they happen to find out that you don’t have phone camera or at least colored phone. Everybody is hurling their cell phones up to my face and as if proving me a sign of success. Sadly, this is the world I live in and I need to adopt, for me to be able cope up. I need to think like them. I was wondering perhaps being a chameleon is much easier since all you have to do is to change color then viola! You’ll be one of them. I know for sure that there is a need for me to set myself to the tedious task of sorting through hundreds of list of technical issues and complains and I need to read more journals for me not to left behind. I need to open my ears with what’s going on and stop being an autistic that bangs head on the walls.
Mind Fuck.
Voice: “You need to think straight Selma. Do a cost base analysis; weigh things out and choose what is important and throw away those insignificant one. Focus; clean up that blurry mind and ask those brain cells to do their job.”
I don’t know why I have to write a journal about what’s going on in my life. I don’t know why I have to archive my own life to live. I don’t know what I have to tell the world those embarrassing events happened to my life even I know for sure no one is reading it. But it felt right and through this at least I manage to release those so called personal demons, whereas I thought I vanquished it but it keeps on haunting me still. I know I need to save all of my thoughts because I tend to forget almost everything. Everything merely stays on my short term memory. After sleeping I’ll forget all the things I have done or the things that was happened.
I still have this “catholic guilt” in me, what have you done? Why did you choose that instead of the other one? I can’t fight “it”. It is like drug that consume you but will make you elated. I feel the pain on my legs but I’m still craving for it. Two bickering voices … Another pimple pops out on my face.
